When I was 15 I wanted to die every single day.
I had several volumes of mixed tapes which I recall being labeled ‘depression to the max’, filled with pukey-heartbreak songs and raging-industrial-metal constantly on replay. I’d contemplate between making a big splash of my death or just going away quietly. But I never had the guts to do it.
Last week a 15 year-old girl jumped to her death from the 21st floor of my building.
It’s eerie walking by where life was lost.
We probably walk by people every day who are simply one tiny act away from ending everything.
I’m sure plenty of people might say – they’re only fifteen, what do they know about suffering or heartache?
And you could go as far as asking – what do any of us really know? You and I are merely dust; Or maybe organisms with advanced cognitive abilities.
Yet our hearts are loaded with so much more.
Our hearts can burst at the seams with joy. Our hearts can feel the weight of the world. Our hearts can create a gaping void so large the entire universe can’t even fill.
That’s why some of us want to escape. Heaven. Hell. Tranquil nothingness.
What do you say to someone when absolutely anything is better than the brokenness they’re currently in?
by Lon on September 4, 2009
A few things I’ve been doing to get my life back on track lately:
Waking up before my daughter does. I’ve found this dramatically changes the tone of my day. I’m no longer waking up in response to something, but on my own terms. Of course this means sleeping earlier to make a 5:30 or 6am start.
Not going online. I usually check my email/feeds/twitter on my ipod touch as soon as I role out of bed and as I brush my teeth. Then I’d be loading up the computer as Stellar drinks her milk. No more. It’s been hard, but I’ve got to start cutting back somewhere.
Doing nothing productive. Every morning as the tea’s boiling, I’ve began my day by simply watching the sunrise, breathing, and listening to the wind.
Working out again. I’m trying to pick up running, but I don’t know how well my back will hold up on this one. I might need to read up on how to strengthen other areas before continuing.
Reading. Much more selectively these days. Besides the scriptures, I’ve been soaking in books on family, creativity, and spirituality. I think I was on a productivity kick for a bit too long, right now I’m definitely in a season of learning and reimagining .
Question. I’ve been trying to reflect, pray, meditate on a single question each day. Lately it’s been Why am I hear today? Not as overarching as the reason for my entire existence, but simply today. Sometimes the answer’s are quite routine and unspectacular, but it’s helped me stay focused on what’s important, if even for a brief moment.
What about you? Do you have tips on rebooting your life and staying centered on what matters?
by Lon on September 2, 2009
Not much went as planned this summer.
The Nidus Festival – a faith, arts, and justice festival I was helping organize, collapsed due to a lack of financing – though I suspect there were other underlying issues.
My love/hate relationship for sermons continued, as I attended a conference in michigan that was actually decent.
Some circumstances caused my extended family to get slammed emotionally.
My condominium board, which I’m a director of had a pending law suit against it due to some decisions we made. Things are patched up now.
Both my wife and I had bouts of sickness and exhaustion.
Support came from unexpected places.
I had hopes set on helping organize a Toronto TED conference, which somehow fizzled out. I might just run my own or something similar next year.
After leaving the IT industry for a number of years, I spent a strange amount of time reading up on web development, seo, php, css, and design.
The most beautiful part of the summer was family (yes, that’s my little girl with a rib in her mouth). Every day was daddy-daughter day. I had her to myself every morning, I’d show her the world and have her brought back in time for a bite and a nap. I hope she remembers all of this.
My wife and I ate out together plenty as we decided to save a bit of cash and staycation this year. I watched her excitement for photography grow, and her passions always help fuel my passions.
On the flip-side I struggled with being fully present with family while being antsy to be productive at the same time. It’s been an ongoing battle to simply let things slide, and not tie my personal sense of worth with having to ‘accomplish’ things.
In some ways I felt like I was dreaming bigger but falling harder. So many things didn’t work out, and other projects that remain alive seem to be hobbling along. Sometimes, I get the sense that people expect me to continually have new tricks up my sleeve. Well, I’m still working on the same stuff, and no, there’s nothing much new.
I’m slowly finding my way again, who knows where it’ll lead though.
by Lon on August 17, 2009
Think of the most violent, horrific, and inhumane act you can imagine.
I can’t quite say the words, but you know the ones.
I’ve done them. Repeatedly.
People look at me in disgust.
But it’s really love in excess, maybe misdirected.
What can I do, when my love comes out the wrong way?
When it’s only ever received with screaming.
I’ve taken pleasure as they cried for escape.
Their tears bring relief to my sun-cracked skin.
Some days what I do revolts me
Other days I coddle it like a newborn child
But every time, no matter what, the darkness always overcomes.
I spend my days fantasizing about my sins
yet I can’t seem to make out their faces.
I’ve raped and stolen innocence.
I feel sorry every time.
Could you find it in you to forgive me? To love me?
I can’t promise that I’ll stop.
Could you hold me close if I came near?
by Lon on August 14, 2009
You need to live a life of greater impact
You need to rest more
You need to get more done with less
You need to pray more
You need to be more focused
You need to enjoy life more
You need to love more
You need to be healthier
You need to spend more time with those you love
You need to spend more time with those lacking love
You need to reflect more
You need to live a life of balance
You need to live life on the edge
You need to simply be
You need to get up off of that seat
Just a few of the voices in my head. How about you?
One surefire way of living a life of torment – trying to please everyone… including the conflicting voices echoing in your own skull.
Credit: Oil painting by Kaj Stenvall
It’s only 10am and today’s just been stupid.
my daughter wakes up screaming from a nightmare
I’ve lost my keys – probably a set of 15, 8-9 of which are really, really important.
My cell phone’s dead.
Go to payphone to call my wife and realize her cell phone’s dead, plus she’s on a school trip.
Lug my backpack in circles for 5k trying to retrace my steps.
Retraced all the way to my front door, no key to be found.
I’m locked out and really need to use the bathroom.
Hike all the way back to the library.
Realized they’re doing fire alarm testing today, and I forgot to install my second detector.
I’ll probably get fined $500 bucks for violations, and I’m on the board of directors for the condo.
I can’t even begin to calculate how much all those keys are going to cost me to replace. Argh.
I want to vent on the twitter app on my ipod touch, but it’s out of batteries
oh wait, i’m locked out of my twitter account anyways
