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A new kind of Christianity

by Lon on February 10, 2010

I recently finished Brian Mclaren’s latest “A new kind of Christianity“.

I recall Mclaren’s earlier book that became a trilogy – a new kind of christian – being banned in many churches. I get the sense that a lot of concepts or challenges presented in that book have since shaped many churches, even if indirectly.

A new kind of Christianity will undoubtedly cause at least just as much of a stir, if not more.

Here’s a few of my quick thoughts.

People are going to love it or hate it. It’s hard not to be provoked and challenged by the questions he brings up.
McLaren’s often known for offering great questions and little in the way of answers. I got the feeling this was a bit of a ‘coming out’ book (though I think McLaren honestly puts where he’s at every time he writes, he’s just a bit further down that path now).
Hardcore/New Calvinists will hate much of the answers he provides.
The premise of most of his arguments is based on the framework in which we see things. Change the framework and everything within it changes. The new kind of christian focused more on the modernist mindset, he goes further back with this book showing how much of our theology is based on a Greco-Roman platonic worldview obsessed with either/or states and perfection.
Process theology and the general arc of the biblical storyline also shapes how we continue to evolve in our faith and humanity
I think many churches will have a hard time matching up what McLaren proposes and their current statement of faith (ie. his views presented on Scripture, the second coming, etc.) At the same time I think most statements of faith are profoundly lacking, incomplete, and rarely represent the actual practice of the church anyways.
McLaren usually does an impressive job with ignoring critics and smothering those who differ with kindness, so I was surprised when he took an unnamed swipe at Mark Driscoll (he’s going to have a field day with this one). There’s definitely some extra edge in this book (but none more than the fury his critics have heaped upon him)
I wonder if there will ever be healing between the different ‘camps’ in the future?

Overall, I’m glad McLaren does what he does, even if I don’t agree with all of his ideas and approaches. My guess is critics will continue to hate him, because he isn’t what they want him to be. He’s not a defender of the faith (as it is). He’s not someone who’s just proposing new methodologies to timeless truth (as we know it).

I find it odd that many of us will allow ourselves to consume and be shaped by music, media, technology, etc. that may have a radically different theological concepts from us, but vehemently not want someone like McLaren to be heard.

Our planet is in enough of a jam as it is, can’t we just let the guy feel his way forward and share what he’s learning with the rest of us?

There’s some extra chapters available on his website that people should also dig into.

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Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

by Lon on December 21, 2009

It was a bit of a rocky finish on our Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project. But here are some closing thoughts of mine.

As a father of soon-to-be two daughters, this book scared the crap out of me.

The challenge ahead is huge, particularly because our instantaneous, over-sexualized, materialistic culture seems to wage war against their sense of wholeness at every turn.

I don’t think most dads grasp just how powerful of an influence they are in the lives of their daughters. You really are heroes. You can be the most socially-awkward, boring, and lame excuse for a human being out there, and you’d still be a hero in the eyes of your daughter. At least that’s the starting point for all of us.

And even when they discover you’re just another fallen broken creature, there’s still some small space in their heart that reserves hope for the incredible man you can be.

Although I always thought I’d be the ‘good-cop’, I’m not. The book helped affirm to me that my daughters need me to be their dad, more than their best friend. This desire of “Am I worth fighting for?“, something I see even in my own wife, is built into our daughters.

They need to see the strength of our convictions even if at times it involves disciplining them. One of my favorite quotes was “When your two-year old daughter has a temper tantrum, put her in time-out and ignore her until she calms down. When she’s sixteen, do exactly the same.” (I’m still convinced I’ll be considered ‘cool’ when they’re sixteen at the moment though).

Some of the stories in the book were completely heart wrenching. You can be the best dad on the planet, and things can still happen. Our girls can break us into a million pieces and we still need to keep taking the hits, perusing, and loving. God may be love, but the reality is we’re one of they’re best tangible expressions of what love is.

It’s nice to know that every man that enters the lives of our daughters will be compared against us. It challenges me to be an even better man, and part me takes a bit of joy in my little girls crushing guys hearts because they aren’t half the man their geriatric daddy is. (at least that’s what I’m hoping for, because these girls aren’t just going to be loved, but completely adored).

I know there’s a challenging road ahead – but I so feel so utterly blessed to be a father of two girls. A final quote from the book, “A man can banter with his friends and colleagues about whether God exists. But a father looks at his daughter and knows.”

* You can see chapter-by-chapter posts on the book from many other fathers in the previous 10 or so posts.

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Keep her connected

by Lon on December 14, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 10 – Keep her connected – is brought to by Jason Tripp – friend, father, fellow tyndale seminary graduate, and lead pastor Valleyview community church

Recently I came across a jawdropping statistic. The average American father (and I’m sure the Canadian figure would be similar) spends less than 10 minutes a day with his daughter. Although I make it a healthy habit of spending far more than 10 minutes a day with my daughter, I certainly do not want to simply give myself a pat on the back and coast along. Remaining teachable in every sphere of life is critical and I’ll be the first to admit that there is much room for improvement in the area of fatherhood.

Meeker sums up the tenth and final chapter of her book when writing, “All your daughter needs is for you to spend time with you. Think of yourself as your daughter’s base camp. She needs a place to stop and settle, to reorient and remember who she is, where she started, and where she’s going. She needs a place to rest and get reenergized. You are that place.” – SFSD, p. 220

As I read and re-read this chapter and specifically this statement, I was challenged in a number of ways:

Time vs. Quality Time
I’ve learned that in any relationship, not all time spent is quality time spent together. Sadly I must confess that there have been moments in my young daughter’s life (Michaela will be 2 on January 10th) where time spent with daddy has not been the best quality time. These are usually times where she’s competing with a sporting event on TV or battling for my attention with something I’m working at on my laptop. (for the record, the writing of this blog is not hindering quality family time as I can hear a snoring duet from my wife and daughter as I type this).

I’m learning that my daughter not only needs me to spend time with her, but she needs, and certainly is already capable at her young age, of distinguishing between simple time spent together, and quality time together where she becomes the sole focus of my attention and affection. There have been times where I’ve had half my attention on Michaela, well pounding away on my laptop keyboard or checking email. It wasn’t until one day when she walked over to the table and physically slammed the laptop shut that it hit home; my daughter needs my undivided attention when I come home from work.

Quality Work, Play and Planning Together
Lately, I’ve made a more concerted and consistent effort to spend more quality time together in a variety of creative ways. Whether it’s taking her to watch a basketball game at the high school my wife teaches at (she was the center of attention busting a move during the pregame warmups but by halftime she informed me that the referees and their whistles were “a little bit scary”). Just a couple weeks ago we had a blast putting together a large armoir to help house daddy’s ever-growing wardrobe (I’m enjoying the fact that at the age of 1 she believes daddy has the equivalent building/carpentry knowledge of ‘Bob the Builder’ when in fact I’m more of a worthy candidate for Canada’s Worst Handyman). This event turned out to be a nice application to Meeker’s suggestion that even stressful, problem solving activities should be shared together by fathers and daughters.

As Meeker rightly points out, allowing our daughters to share in what we enjoy doing, specifically outdoor activities, allows for daughters to learn about their father’s interests and passions, while providing a context for quality time shared without some of the aforementioned technological distractions.

I couldn’t help but chuckle when reading about the importance of non-verbal communication. Michaela and I have already developed a non-verbal language complete with signs, gestures, facial expressions and even a series of secret handshakes, which allow us to express our feelings to each other before our mouths are even opened. It certainly is true that females are more sensitive to body language than us naive males are. There is so much expressed in a smile, a hug or a high five.

The Lonely Teen
To be brutally honest, some days I wish my daughter would remain the age she is now. I see the incredible temptations and worldly distortions of Truth out there and sometimes I cringe, knowing that this is the world my wife and I are raising our daughter in. In pastoral ministry, I see firsthand the grief that backslidden teenagers can cause parents. I am grateful that I am able to work through this book with other men of faith and thankful that I’m learning these principles while my daughter is still 11+ years away from teenagehood.

The most important thing I have been reminded of through this book study as well as my first few months in pastoral leadership, is the importance of self care and personal holiness. The degree to which I submit my life to the purposes of God, will be the degree to which I become a stronger husband, father, pastor and whatever other title contributes to the person I am. The degree to which I am able to keep my daughter connected is the degree to which I stay connected to the Holy Spirit, the ultimate source of strength.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. – 1 Chronicles 16:11 / Psalm 105:4

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Be the man you want her to marry

by Lon on December 2, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 7 – Be the man you want her to marry – is brought to by Alfred Lam – a friend and brother that I’m indebted to in more ways than I can express.

I recently joint a group of fathers with daughters to read a book and blog about our thoughts. The book is “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Meg Meeker. To be honest, I have never been a big fan of “parenting philosophy books” for the same reasons that I don’t put a lot of stock in “marriage enrichment workshops”: I find the content often alternate between “heard that before” or “easier said than done”. But more importantly I believe that in parenting every situation is as unique as the individuals that are involved. Certainly there are general truths that apply across the board (”you should spend time with your children…”), but where and how those universal truths “hit the road” within actual parent/child relationship is anything but “universal”.

Nevertheless, I find that reading this book generated a lot of reflection for me. I came acr0ss the chapter entitled “Be the man you want her to marry” yesterday. Basically the chapter says whether we like it or not, as fathers we become models of manhood for our daughters, and when it comes time for them to look for their mate, they instinctively look for a man that is just like their Dads. In the middle of the chapter, I found myself putting down the book and asking myself, “Will I want Taylor to marry someone like me?”

I am a deeply flawed individual. I have had more than my share of failures in life. I have plenty of “skeletons” in my closet. As I thought about that question, more and more I am not sure if I can say “yes”. In fact, I am amazed daily that Anna would stay married for close to 20 years to someone like me. For me, our marriage is a daily demonstration and experience of grace.

Then it hit me. I can’t really control what kind of man my daughter will eventually marry. I don’t know if she will end up marrying someone like me. I am not sure if I want her to end up marrying someone like me. But one thing I wish for her, and this I hope I can have some influence over: I hope she will turn out to be like the woman I married.

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Pragmatism and Grit

by Lon on November 27, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 6 – Pragmatism & Grit – is brought to you by Tim Heerebout. Although Tim is a recent connection, our friendship has marks of the divine all over it. I’m sure you’ll be hearing a lot more about him here as well.

Have you ever felt like the fates are conspiring just the right way to align the small coincidences of your life into a web of deeper meaning? Like the mystical forces of the universe are trying to, through seemingly unrelated circumstances, whisper a subtle yet profound message into your ear? Yeah me either. Well, except in this case. The fact that I’ve gotten the chapter on pragmatism at this point in my life seems to me to be just the right topic for me to read.

You see, in the near future my wife who is currently 19 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, 18 month old daughter, and myself will be moving into the heart of downtown Toronto. We’re really excited about that and yet, for anyone who knows me and my family, that description of who is moving to Toronto is incomplete. You see there is a very important, well loved, member of our family who we are not able to take with us and to be honest it’s ripping my heart out slowly every time I think about it.

Tele is our 6 year old purebred Siberian Husky and he is as much a part of our family as any of the rest of us. In almost every way he is the perfect dog. Melissa and I bought Tele the year after we got married to celebrate our first anniversary. We saw him in a pet store and he stole our heart – perhaps especially mine. Melissa worked as a flight attendant during the first 4 years of our marriage and so she was away a lot. Tele became my company when she saw gone. He slept at the foot of my bed at night and kept me company if I had a night alone at the house. He’s come on countless runs with me, lived in 3 different cities with us and is generally the best friend a boy…I mean man could ask for.

Despite all of my emotional attachment to Tele I know that bringing him into an urban environment and adding that as another chore for my wife to deal with is not a wise choice. My wife knows this – she knows that amongst the business of our schedules, a new baby who needs a lot of her time and a 2 year old that won’t understand why she’s not the only one who needs attention any more that trying to help walk and feed a dog will just be too much. Knowing is not enough some times though. I think one of the things we love about women is how deeply they feel. And yet, I think in the end her emotional ties to this much loved member of our family would probably lead to a less than optimal decision in this case. Women and men make such a perfect pairing for many reasons not the least of which is how they help us to feel more and how we sometimes balance a purely emotional response with our God given pragmatic minds and grit.

This situation with Tele is where the rubber has hit the road for our family when it comes to the need for a strong father to have pragmatism and grit. Tele is my boy. I love him to death – probably more than some people would think sane or healthy. But logically I just can’t see how he’ll fit into our new life in Toronto so it’s up to me, to use my pragmatic brain, and summon the internal grit to give him to another love home where we will miss him like crazy but ultimately where both he and us will be more happy for the long haul.

I can’t personally relate to the examples the author gives in this chapter – images of broken homes needing mending and such. I can however relate to her overall theme. One friend said to me regarding our choice to give Tele away “you’ve got much larger cojones than me to give up man’s best friend”. I don’t claim that to be actually true but men – your families, your daughters, need you to have the grit and pragmatism, the cojones if you will, to make tough decisions and ground them when necessary. I really appreciate the author for affirming this often demeaned part of a man’s role in his house. I am fully in support of equal rights and yet I also realize there are some roles best suited to one gender or the other. I think this is one area that MUST be stepped into by Fathers. I think if you take time to read the pages of this chapter you will feel encouraged and empowered to do so. I can’t think of a better end to 30 minutes worth of reading.

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Protect Her, Defend Her

by Lon on November 25, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 5 – Protect Her, Defend Her (and use a shotgun if necessary) – is brought to you by Tony Sheng. I’ve been tracking with Tony for years as he mobilizes the next generation in global missions. Tony is awesome.

“Why don’t we have a school dance in this middle school?”

“Because we did a few years ago and found 8th grade girls in the bathroom giving head to 8th grade boys.”

If you think this is vulgar, it’s okay to be offended and never read my blog again. On the other hand, if you think I made this up, I wish you were sadly mistaken. As part of a blog tour on the book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, I’m posting about Chapter 5 today. It’s probably the most sobering and the most frightening in the book because Dr. Meeker explains the very toxic culture that our daughters live in and then she outlines whose responsibility it is to protect them – you, their father. Here are some quotes that should awaken your masculine soul:

The most aggressive campaign against your daughter’s emotional and physical health is directed at her sexuality. She relies on your defense against that campaign.

10,000 kids a day get an STD.
Nearly one in four sexually active teens is living with an STD at this moment.
If present levels of sexual activity among kids continue, by the year 2025 (fewer than twenty years from now),39 percent of all men and 49 percent of all women will test positive for genital herpes.

Popular culture trains our daughters for a life of promiscuity.

Yikes. She goes on.

If you as a father saw what I see every week in my medical practice, you would know what to do. And you’d succeed.

And the best news is: you are far more effective protector of your daughter than any condom, any sex-ed teacher, any school nurse and any doctor. That’s what kids tell us every day. They want to hear from their parents. They want their parents to tell them what’s right, what’s wrong, and what they should do… You need to stay in the fight for her innocence and her mental and physical health. It’s a fight you can – and that you must – win.

I’m in this fight every day as the father of two girls 8 and 11. But it’s not a fight just about innocence – I believe that my kids can be islands of light in this toxic culture that so desperately works to undermine their purity. I believe that they can be relevant to the culture and, in fact, redeem parts of it so that others can see and ask about why they are different. Perhaps growing agents of redemption requires a fine balance between protecting them and unleashing them.

Here are a few things I’ve done. Granted, I don’t know if they are working.
:: I’ve said no to:
+ my wife and mother in law wanting to fly into Las Vegas for family vacation. [I'm still hearing about how ridiculous I am being - sorry, D.]
+ Em, 8, wanting to listen to Britney Spears latest song, “3,” since it’s a song they dance to in hip hop class. [And Britney, you have so much power and responsibility...]
+ Kt, 11, spending too much time with a friend who isn’t the best influence.
+ Movies – anything R. Although we’ve made some bad choices about PG-13 ones.
+ Music – and the challenge of helping them think through the words.

:: Trying to have normal conversations about middle school health class. “Have they talked about STDs? Condoms? Doing the deed?”

:: Trying to convey that we shouldn’t care that much about the approval of others.

:: Praying for, and with, my girls.

Here are Dr. Meeker’s suggestions too:
Teach self-respect early.
When she dates, sweep the garage – presence for when she comes home.
Plan with her – help her understand that sex is for later.
Say something – don’t be afraid to discuss sex with your daughters.

I’m convinced that the next generation of girls – aged 5-20 right now – are going to be the major players in the global world in the future – they are the ones that are going to solve the worlds greatest problems. But they will only do this if they are protected and unleashed. Fathers, stay in the fight. Humanity needs your daughters at their best.

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Teach her humility

by Lon on November 23, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 4 – Teach her humility – is brought to you by someone on the other side of the planet that I feel I have an awful lot in common with (including a twitter bio with plenty of bling) – Futurist, catalyst, change agent, writer, web designer, and human potential maven Sam Radford.

I was delighted when Lon gave me the chapter on humility to blog about as part of this Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters series. I thought to myself, he knows, he’s seen it, he’s noticed. I mean, who better than myself to talk about humility? And as for my daughter Eloise, she is so privileged to have such a master of humility teaching her as she grows up. This is something that just flows through my veins.

Or not.

Regardless, this IS a really important subject and whilst it isn’t probably what you’d expect to find in a book on raising daughters, I am convinced that in many ways this is one of – if not the – most important things we can try and encourage within our daughters.

The author, Meg Meeker, does a good job of quickly clarifying what humility is and isn’t, as so many of us don’t think of humility as a positive trait at all. I remember teaching on humility in South Africa with black teenagers only to discover at the end of the session that the only association they had with the word humility was humiliation. Knowing what true humility is actually all about is vital.

Here’s how Meeker defined it: “Humility means having a proper perspective on ourselves, of seeing ourselves as we really are. It also means knowing that every person has equal worth.”

Starting out with that explanation would have definitely saved me a wasted session out in South Africa.

The challenge as I see it when it comes to humility is in how we teach this to our daughters. Telling them what it is, what it means, and why it’s important isn’t going to cut it. How do we make sure that humility goes beyond being just a subject our daughters give mental assent to and becomes a truly embedded life value?

Meeker addresses this early on by simply stating that, “humility doesn’t make sense unless it is modelled”. So if we want our daughters to live with humility, with a proper perspective on themselves, we need to live a life of humility that neither over or understates who we are and that values every human being.

So, this isn’t a one off conversation with our daughters. This is about how we live as fathers every minute of every day. If we live self-centred and self-absorbed lives, then that’s what our daughters will soak up.

I loved the story Meeker told about a father taking his daughter away for a trip to serve in the Dominican Republic, not just because of the specific elements she described about their interactions on that trip, but because it raises the important subject of serving others. What better way to model a life that isn’t all about us than to practically serve others?

As a family we all went out to serve for three weeks in a township on the edge of Johannesburg this summer just gone. Pretty much everyone thought we were crazy to embark on a venture like that when our daughter, Eloise, was only 6 months old. But we want those kinds of adventures to be part of our family life.

Now, of course, I know Eloise won’t have any recollection of that trip, but it was important for us as parents to say right from the outset that we’re going to make our lives about more than just us as a family. We want our daughter to grow up being part of something bigger than just us. And that, I think, is a big part of having a healthy perspective on life.

Humility is so important to successfully engaging with life at all its different stages. And, in particular, it is vital to forging healthy relationships. “Your daughter was created to live in an intricate web of relationships. Humility keeps her inside that web. Self-centredness and pride pluck her out of it.”

It is our job as fathers to help prepare our daughters to be ready for and engage with every different stage of life. And relationships are at the heart of every one of these stages. If we can successfully model and embed a true sense of humility in our daughters we are actually preparing our daughters for success and happiness.

So, here’s to living a life of humility – and hoping and praying that our daughters ‘catch’ that way of life.

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You are her first love

by Lon on November 20, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues. Chapter 3 – You are her first love – is brought to you by author, designer, consultant, speaker, & adventurer (and everything else you ever wanted to be) Chris Marsden.

My girls are still young. The older two talk about boys occasionally, but more in the abstract “we’re supposed to like boys” kind of way. They obsess over the Jonas Brothers and we don’t even have cable, so they might have seen the show once or twice. I know that a time is coming, though, when talking about boys will shift to actually liking (and eventually loving) boys.

With that in mind, the introduction to this chapter was incredibly encouraging. I am their first love. No matter who else is in their life or how cute they are, I am still the one that they will compare them back to (hopefully not the cute part). Except that means that I am also the one who is setting the standard for how they give and receive love as well. And while that, too, adds a bit of boost to the ego, it is also a bit challenging and frightening.

Meeker talks about five things that dad’s need to do/focus on to help their daughter’s get a healthy dose of and view of love.

Words

Men and women are different. Women like to talk, most guys don’t. And it isn’t even really a like issue. Women need to talk. With our wives, it is easy for them to explain that to us and it is just as easy for us to explain to them, “not right now, I’ll talk to you in a little bit,” but it is harder for our daughters to understand. They don’t know they need to talk, they just do. And they don’t know they need to hear you talk to them and encourage them, they just do.

We need to tell our daughters that we love them. Regularly. Genuinely. We need to mean it and we need to be able to explain it, especially as they get older. They need to hear those words from us.

Fences

It is our job, as dads, to build a series of rules and boundaries around our children’s lives that guide them and protect them. These fences are not permanent installations, they shift and are torn down as our girls age and mature. They are about safety.

There is a part of me that struggles with this. Part of me loves the idea of building a wall of rules around my girls and keeping them safe from the world and part of me thinks that if I build this restrictive rule structure they will either rebel or become co-dependant homebodies. Meeker points out a couple things that I think help.

It is not about trust, it is about safety. The rules we create have to be about keeping them safe and moving them towards their future. It can’t be about control or our whims.

Girls who rebel don’t rebel because there are rules. They rebel against the rules because the rules aren’t balanced against anything else. Love has to be the center of the relationship and the rules have to be created and enforced with love in mind.

Silence

Silence goes along with words. Yes, I daughters need to hear us tell them they love them, but they also need us to be quiet and listen. The catch, that Meeker points out, is something I am definitely guilty of. We’re busy or we’ve had a long day and we “just want to unwind” and we tell our girls, “just a minute” or “not right now.” For me, this is going to be one of the biggest challenges. To listen to the random story that is completely non-sequitur, even when I am tired or distracted.

When my wife ignores me, even for a good reason, part of me feels dismissed and less loved than when she pays attention to me. Why would my daughters feel any different.

Time

This one felt like the most obvious on the list. We need to give our daughters time, right? Of course we do. We need to do it without resentment or begrudgingly? Again, yes. But the good news is this. That time you need to spend with your daughter isn’t as big of a deal as you might be thinking. It is about taking the time to consistently give her your attention, not about coming up with a huge event, just to spend some time together.

The question is, who is the focus on. Daddy/daughter dates are great, if you are showing her your love and attention just like on a date (I once witnessed a Dad out with his daughter where they both spent the meal playing on their phones). A grocery shopping trip with one of the girls might be necessary at times, but I can tell you from personal experience that inviting one of the girls along to help run Daddy errands to Best Buy or Lowes is huge. When they are “helping” me and I am focused on them, we both win.

Will

Love is hard. Sometimes it’s not, life is easy, kids are behaving and we’re living a Hallmark card kind of love without any work. But usually it’s hard. It is going to take hard work.

My daughters are 1, 5, and 7. Right now, we have our bad days, but loving my girls is still pretty easy. I’m hoping that reading this book and the hard work I’m investing now will make the teenage years all smooth sailing (is that even possible), but it takes me saying to myself and saying to my girls that no matter what, I will love you.