I had several volumes of mixed tapes which I recall being labeled ‘depression to the max’, filled with pukey-heartbreak songs and raging-industrial-metal constantly on replay. I’d contemplate between making a big splash of my death or just going away quietly. But I never had the guts to do it.
Last week a 15 year-old girl jumped to her death from the 21st floor of my building.
It’s eerie walking by where life was lost.
We probably walk by people every day who are simply one tiny act away from ending everything.
I’m sure plenty of people might say – they’re only fifteen, what do they know about suffering or heartache?
And you could go as far as asking – what do any of us really know? You and I are merely dust; Or maybe organisms with advanced cognitive abilities.
Yet our hearts are loaded with so much more.
Our hearts can burst at the seams with joy. Our hearts can feel the weight of the world. Our hearts can create a gaping void so large the entire universe can’t even fill.
That’s why some of us want to escape. Heaven. Hell. Tranquil nothingness.
What do you say to someone when absolutely anything is better than the brokenness they’re currently in?
Along with beauty, brokenness isn’t spoken of much either.
We’ll talk about it conceptually or in generalities, but the closer we get to specifics, the quicker we seem to want out of the conversation.
People with physical disabilities have always struck a strange chord with me. Their brokenness is so blatant and transparent for everyone to see.
Do they wish people addressed their obvious brokenness? Are they tired of people feeling sorry for them? Do they feel a nagging sense of being robbed of base level human attributes?
And then I see photos like this from the paralympics…
People competing and pursuing dreams despite their conditions…
Would you say they’re any less human? Are their lives any less fulfilling?
And just because they’ve overcome some challenges, it’s not like they are without their continued struggles, hurts, and failures
And then there’s moments of overwhelming beauty
These photos make you think twice the next time you say “I can’t…” don’t they?
Maybe life’s not about how you start the race, or even the massive stumbles along the way, but about what you do with it all, and how you finish.
Some things might be undeniably broken, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.
Cities amplify the best, but also the very worst, of humanity.
City centers are fueled by individual self-interest. Everybody goes to the city to ‘get’ something – career, education, entertainment, money, power, sex, etc.
Population density in cities with limited resources and limited opportunities creates a competitive and tension filled culture.
The pace of the city makes people less compassionate even when they may want to be, ie. “I can’t stop to help that person because I’ve got to get somewhere to get something.”
Cities are deceptive. In the words of Jay Z and Alicia Keys Empire state of mind – “These streets will make you feel brand new, The lights will inspire you”. The problem is that while the city may be alive, that doesn’t mean you are.
The busyness of cities prevents us from stopping, reflecting, and asking questions like ‘why’ until we’re completely broken and miserable.
Cities are dense with living beings that refuses to connect with one another. ie. I can be nose-to-nose with another human being crammed in a gloriously life-filled subway and we can completely ignore each other. This chips away at our humanity daily because we know something’s not right.
The diversity in cities naturally brings with it conflicting interests and cultural clashes. Not only does the fringes of culture collide, but those who are already oppressed, are condensed into tight spaces which creates an even more volatile environment. People can be ticking time bombs.
Cities thrive on anonymity. Relationships become transactions and we further dehumanize one another.
Cities export evil. Cities inherently create, magnify, and propagate culture. When it’s bad, it’s bad for everyone. ie. how cities of the west have led the cycle of work-to-excessively-consume lifestyle now seen as the pinnacle of living for those in rural, village, suburban communities.Cities often displace wildlife and native cultures (we name our neighborhoods and streets after what we’ve destroyed ie. shady oaks, parkway forest, etc.)
Whether it’s for more affordable housing or an easier lifestyle – cities build up towards high-rise apartments. The living-in-a-box-in-the-sky infrastructure (that I currently live in) disconnects our relationship to the land and creation.
Cities can become empires. Empires oppress neighboring cultures, serve only the privileged few, and have an insatiable need to always expand and conquer.
And the list goes on. While murder rates are actually dropping in many cities compared to rural areas, cities can cause a death you’re not even aware of because it’s so broadly accepted.
With all that being said, cities are crucial and strategic to our global future. We need people in the city, especially those who want to seek the good of the city.
For those of you who are new to the site, a bit on what Solar Crash is.
Some of you might know it as an event that occasionally emerges in Toronto, and others simply as “Lon’s blog”, but when I grabbed the domain solarcrash.com the name was loaded with meaning for me.
SOLAR refers to the sun. We hear of it most often in connection with solar panels. (I get tons of hits here on people looking into when there might be a solar energy stock market crash). I liked the solar panel reference because there’s a sense of not simply soaking and absorbing an endless supply of light but its energy is channeled for something useful.
Solar also invokes an image of the the stars or the heavenly realm. There is something infinite, mysterious, and divine that surrounds us even though we may not be able to tangibly touch it.
CRASH is an analogy I got from Erwin McManus six years ago. He talked about how a group of rhinos is called a crash. Even though rhinos can’t see very far with all their speed and weight they make a massive impact wherever they go together, much like the church ought to.
Crashes are never clean. The image of crash carries with it brokenness, sacrifice, and very intimate contact. A crash ruptures the status quo.
SOLARCRASH brings together the incoming reality of the heavens crashing down on earth. It’s not simply a joining or a handshake, but something much more chaotic, and I’d say more beautiful. It’s where uncontainable hope and oppression meet. It’s where the way things are, and the way things ought to be, find a way to become friends. It’s a glimpse of good news, everywhere you look.
My hope that this is a site that speaks to human beings at the deepest levels. Those of faith, without, and everyone in between.
I hope to continually blur the lines between the sacred and the secular (The only difference being that the secular doesn’t quite realize it’s sacred, yet).
Friends and other like-hearted individuals are also invited to share their thoughts here (let me know if you’re interested). For the most part right now, much of the content will be shaped by my own life and story, which has its limitations.
I am the son of an immigrant blue-collar chinese family, engineer by training, who went from working in the IT industry of corporate America to leading a local church. I’ve been blessed with a beautiful wife and child along the journey, and a growing passion for fresh expressions of church, community development, creativity, technology, and the city.
If you’re still interested you can continue following along on this website or get the latest by subscribing via the RSS feed or email to get the latest posts delivered to your inbox.
A few things I’ve been doing to get my life back on track lately:
Waking up before my daughter does. I’ve found this dramatically changes the tone of my day. I’m no longer waking up in response to something, but on my own terms. Of course this means sleeping earlier to make a 5:30 or 6am start.
Not going online. I usually check my email/feeds/twitter on my ipod touch as soon as I role out of bed and as I brush my teeth. Then I’d be loading up the computer as Stellar drinks her milk. No more. It’s been hard, but I’ve got to start cutting back somewhere.
Doing nothing productive. Every morning as the tea’s boiling, I’ve began my day by simply watching the sunrise, breathing, and listening to the wind.
Working out again. I’m trying to pick up running, but I don’t know how well my back will hold up on this one. I might need to read up on how to strengthen other areas before continuing.
Reading. Much more selectively these days. Besides the scriptures, I’ve been soaking in books on family, creativity, and spirituality. I think I was on a productivity kick for a bit too long, right now I’m definitely in a season of learning and reimagining .
Question. I’ve been trying to reflect, pray, meditate on a single question each day. Lately it’s been Why am I hear today? Not as overarching as the reason for my entire existence, but simply today. Sometimes the answer’s are quite routine and unspectacular, but it’s helped me stay focused on what’s important, if even for a brief moment.
What about you? Do you have tips on rebooting your life and staying centered on what matters?
The Nidus Festival – a faith, arts, and justice festival I was helping organize, collapsed due to a lack of financing – though I suspect there were other underlying issues.
My love/hate relationship for sermons continued, as I attended a conference in michigan that was actually decent.
Some circumstances caused my extended family to get slammed emotionally.
My condominium board, which I’m a director of had a pending law suit against it due to some decisions we made. Things are patched up now.
Both my wife and I had bouts of sickness and exhaustion.
Support came from unexpected places.
I had hopes set on helping organize a Toronto TED conference, which somehow fizzled out. I might just run my own or something similar next year.
After leaving the IT industry for a number of years, I spent a strange amount of time reading up on web development, seo, php, css, and design.
The most beautiful part of the summer was family (yes, that’s my little girl with a rib in her mouth). Every day was daddy-daughter day. I had her to myself every morning, I’d show her the world and have her brought back in time for a bite and a nap. I hope she remembers all of this.
My wife and I ate out together plenty as we decided to save a bit of cash and staycation this year. I watched her excitement for photography grow, and her passions always help fuel my passions.
On the flip-side I struggled with being fully present with family while being antsy to be productive at the same time. It’s been an ongoing battle to simply let things slide, and not tie my personal sense of worth with having to ‘accomplish’ things.
In some ways I felt like I was dreaming bigger but falling harder. So many things didn’t work out, and other projects that remain alive seem to be hobbling along. Sometimes, I get the sense that people expect me to continually have new tricks up my sleeve. Well, I’m still working on the same stuff, and no, there’s nothing much new.
I’m slowly finding my way again, who knows where it’ll lead though.
brokenness isn’t spoken of much either.
