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A letter to the Church of North America

Some friends of mine are running an event called the eighth letter. In the spirit of the Book of Revelation they’ve asked people to share letters addressed to the church of north america today. I’m too late for their contest – but I noticed a synchroblog going on where others are joining in and I thought I’d throw mine into the mix.

Here it is.

To the Church in North America

Greetings in the name of the Lord!

It’s been a while since we’ve talked.

Oh I know, you thought it was because you cast me out; or that your crosses and purity rings were keeping me at bay.

Well, I’m alive and well, and looks like you are too!

First off, congratulations on sharing your way of life with the world.

You’ve done a splendid job!  What I was never able to do with plagues and persecution, you’ve manage to accomplish with… shopping!  Who would’ve thought it’d be that easy?

Thank you for neatly packaging the gospel into words and broadcasting it to the four corners of the world.  Now, we all know the gospel manifests Jesus in both word and deed, but you’ve got it half done, and hey, that’s a pass!  Inoculations make the people stronger.

Kudos also to your bravery against muslims, faggots, and baby-killers.  Jesus always said you’d take things farther than him.

Church, you are bold, unashamed, and just about always right.  I like to tell myself those things too, but you actually believe it.

So if you’re not catching it already, what I’m trying to say is I’m a big fan of your work.  I know we haven’t always been on the best of terms, but who do you think has kept the lights on in your resource-hogging houses of worship?  Me, bright morning star!

Now I know it makes you feel all giddy and just-like-Jesus when I tell you all the world hates you (and they do), but before you start those side-hugs, there is still much work to be done my friends.

Right this moment, some of your flock are starting to get anxious,asking questions, and straying away.

Remind them to sit tight, the next life and all it’s riches are coming.

Keep your sheep fed.  Over-feed if you have to.  Tell them you’re offering them a great service by outsourcing their imaginations with your professional expertise.

If you’re not entertaining enough, reality-tv is a great way of sedating the masses.  As long as they’re busy watching someone else live they won’t have time to live for themselves – you know how Jesus hates that.

You don’t want too many voices to speak up.  Centralize.

Equip your people with airtight arguments, so there’s no room for mystery.

Faithful remnant, keep your flock pure.  If others insist on coming in, make sure they become just like you first.

And then there are the insurgents; those who are threatening all the work that we’ve you’ve done.

Every day they try to blur the edges of our faith, but now is the time to hunker down and stand your ground.  Keep doing what you’ve always done but be twice as loud.

Label them as fringe heretics.  Keep them running in circles trying to justify their existence to you.

There’s something in the human spirit that wants to risk, explore, and venture out.  You can easily tame this by sending these restless souls to schools, seminaries or conferences so they don’t hurt anyone else by acting on what they believe.

Above all, remind them there’s nothing new under the sun and that we need ‘nothing but the blood’

Church of North America, you’ve got a good thing going on. Don’t let one thing change.

Your BFF, Lucy.

{ 7 comments… add one }

  • G. September 15, 2010, 4:01 pm

    Good points, but if only the other 7 letters used sarcasm as its primary voice, they’d be much easier to read.

  • nathan colquhoun September 15, 2010, 5:39 pm


  • darryl silvestri September 15, 2010, 10:47 pm


  • Scott Shirley September 17, 2010, 9:46 am

    Great job, very creative. I think you and I approached the same subject but we certainly came at it from different angles. Loved it.

    • Lon September 17, 2010, 2:36 pm

      Hey Scott, enjoyed your post as well! definitely hitting on similar themes!

  • elle September 17, 2010, 11:43 am

    tongue and cheek at it’s best. as one whom tends to believe sarcasm is the finest form of communication, i really enjoyed your letter!

    • Lon September 17, 2010, 2:37 pm

      Thanks! I wasn’t sure how appropriate it’d be – I didn’t want to be too negative, i love the church – but satire has it’s place I think…

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