It was a bit of a rocky finish on our Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project. But here are some closing thoughts of mine.
As a father of soon-to-be two daughters, this book scared the crap out of me.
The challenge ahead is huge, particularly because our instantaneous, over-sexualized, materialistic culture seems to wage war against their sense of wholeness at every turn.
I don’t think most dads grasp just how powerful of an influence they are in the lives of their daughters. You really are heroes. You can be the most socially-awkward, boring, and lame excuse for a human being out there, and you’d still be a hero in the eyes of your daughter. At least that’s the starting point for all of us.
And even when they discover you’re just another fallen broken creature, there’s still some small space in their heart that reserves hope for the incredible man you can be.
Although I always thought I’d be the ‘good-cop’, I’m not. The book helped affirm to me that my daughters need me to be their dad, more than their best friend. This desire of “Am I worth fighting for?“, something I see even in my own wife, is built into our daughters.
They need to see the strength of our convictions even if at times it involves disciplining them. One of my favorite quotes was “When your two-year old daughter has a temper tantrum, put her in time-out and ignore her until she calms down. When she’s sixteen, do exactly the same.” (I’m still convinced I’ll be considered ‘cool’ when they’re sixteen at the moment though).
Some of the stories in the book were completely heart wrenching. You can be the best dad on the planet, and things can still happen. Our girls can break us into a million pieces and we still need to keep taking the hits, perusing, and loving. God may be love, but the reality is we’re one of they’re best tangible expressions of what love is.
It’s nice to know that every man that enters the lives of our daughters will be compared against us. It challenges me to be an even better man, and part me takes a bit of joy in my little girls crushing guys hearts because they aren’t half the man their geriatric daddy is. (at least that’s what I’m hoping for, because these girls aren’t just going to be loved, but completely adored).
I know there’s a challenging road ahead – but I so feel so utterly blessed to be a father of two girls. A final quote from the book, “A man can banter with his friends and colleagues about whether God exists. But a father looks at his daughter and knows.”
* You can see chapter-by-chapter posts on the book from many other fathers in the previous 10 or so posts.
Our family just watched the documentary Flow. Wired magazine declared it ‘the scariest film at the sundance film festival). The growing water crisis has been on my mind for a number of years and it will be an issue that I plan on rallying more resources behind.
We dedicated all the proceeds of one of our solar crash events to living water international, and my faith community takes part in the advent conspiracy (channeling our christmas gift money towards providing clean water), but I still feel like there’s so much more we can do.
Are we too late? Can or will the church make a difference here?
Chapter 10 – Keep her connected – is brought to by Jason Tripp – friend, father, fellow tyndale seminary graduate, and lead pastor Valleyview community church
Recently I came across a jawdropping statistic. The average American father (and I’m sure the Canadian figure would be similar) spends less than 10 minutes a day with his daughter. Although I make it a healthy habit of spending far more than 10 minutes a day with my daughter, I certainly do not want to simply give myself a pat on the back and coast along. Remaining teachable in every sphere of life is critical and I’ll be the first to admit that there is much room for improvement in the area of fatherhood.
Meeker sums up the tenth and final chapter of her book when writing, “All your daughter needs is for you to spend time with you. Think of yourself as your daughter’s base camp. She needs a place to stop and settle, to reorient and remember who she is, where she started, and where she’s going. She needs a place to rest and get reenergized. You are that place.” – SFSD, p. 220
As I read and re-read this chapter and specifically this statement, I was challenged in a number of ways:
Time vs. Quality Time I’ve learned that in any relationship, not all time spent is quality time spent together. Sadly I must confess that there have been moments in my young daughter’s life (Michaela will be 2 on January 10th) where time spent with daddy has not been the best quality time. These are usually times where she’s competing with a sporting event on TV or battling for my attention with something I’m working at on my laptop. (for the record, the writing of this blog is not hindering quality family time as I can hear a snoring duet from my wife and daughter as I type this).
I’m learning that my daughter not only needs me to spend time with her, but she needs, and certainly is already capable at her young age, of distinguishing between simple time spent together, and quality time together where she becomes the sole focus of my attention and affection. There have been times where I’ve had half my attention on Michaela, well pounding away on my laptop keyboard or checking email. It wasn’t until one day when she walked over to the table and physically slammed the laptop shut that it hit home; my daughter needs my undivided attention when I come home from work.
Quality Work, Play and Planning Together Lately, I’ve made a more concerted and consistent effort to spend more quality time together in a variety of creative ways. Whether it’s taking her to watch a basketball game at the high school my wife teaches at (she was the center of attention busting a move during the pregame warmups but by halftime she informed me that the referees and their whistles were “a little bit scary”). Just a couple weeks ago we had a blast putting together a large armoir to help house daddy’s ever-growing wardrobe (I’m enjoying the fact that at the age of 1 she believes daddy has the equivalent building/carpentry knowledge of ‘Bob the Builder’ when in fact I’m more of a worthy candidate for Canada’s Worst Handyman). This event turned out to be a nice application to Meeker’s suggestion that even stressful, problem solving activities should be shared together by fathers and daughters.
As Meeker rightly points out, allowing our daughters to share in what we enjoy doing, specifically outdoor activities, allows for daughters to learn about their father’s interests and passions, while providing a context for quality time shared without some of the aforementioned technological distractions.
I couldn’t help but chuckle when reading about the importance of non-verbal communication. Michaela and I have already developed a non-verbal language complete with signs, gestures, facial expressions and even a series of secret handshakes, which allow us to express our feelings to each other before our mouths are even opened. It certainly is true that females are more sensitive to body language than us naive males are. There is so much expressed in a smile, a hug or a high five.
The Lonely Teen To be brutally honest, some days I wish my daughter would remain the age she is now. I see the incredible temptations and worldly distortions of Truth out there and sometimes I cringe, knowing that this is the world my wife and I are raising our daughter in. In pastoral ministry, I see firsthand the grief that backslidden teenagers can cause parents. I am grateful that I am able to work through this book with other men of faith and thankful that I’m learning these principles while my daughter is still 11+ years away from teenagehood.
The most important thing I have been reminded of through this book study as well as my first few months in pastoral leadership, is the importance of self care and personal holiness. The degree to which I submit my life to the purposes of God, will be the degree to which I become a stronger husband, father, pastor and whatever other title contributes to the person I am. The degree to which I am able to keep my daughter connected is the degree to which I stay connected to the Holy Spirit, the ultimate source of strength.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. – 1 Chronicles 16:11 / Psalm 105:4
Chapter 7 – Be the man you want her to marry – is brought to by Alfred Lam – a friend and brother that I’m indebted to in more ways than I can express.
I recently joint a group of fathers with daughters to read a book and blog about our thoughts. The book is “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Meg Meeker. To be honest, I have never been a big fan of “parenting philosophy books” for the same reasons that I don’t put a lot of stock in “marriage enrichment workshops”: I find the content often alternate between “heard that before” or “easier said than done”. But more importantly I believe that in parenting every situation is as unique as the individuals that are involved. Certainly there are general truths that apply across the board (”you should spend time with your children…”), but where and how those universal truths “hit the road” within actual parent/child relationship is anything but “universal”.
Nevertheless, I find that reading this book generated a lot of reflection for me. I came acr0ss the chapter entitled “Be the man you want her to marry” yesterday. Basically the chapter says whether we like it or not, as fathers we become models of manhood for our daughters, and when it comes time for them to look for their mate, they instinctively look for a man that is just like their Dads. In the middle of the chapter, I found myself putting down the book and asking myself, “Will I want Taylor to marry someone like me?”
I am a deeply flawed individual. I have had more than my share of failures in life. I have plenty of “skeletons” in my closet. As I thought about that question, more and more I am not sure if I can say “yes”. In fact, I am amazed daily that Anna would stay married for close to 20 years to someone like me. For me, our marriage is a daily demonstration and experience of grace.
Then it hit me. I can’t really control what kind of man my daughter will eventually marry. I don’t know if she will end up marrying someone like me. I am not sure if I want her to end up marrying someone like me. But one thing I wish for her, and this I hope I can have some influence over: I hope she will turn out to be like the woman I married.
