From the monthly archives:

November 2009

Teach her who God is

by Lon on November 30, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 8 – Teach her who God is – is brought to you by Juno Award winning recording engineer, photographer, and father of two girls Eugene Huo.

‘A parent’s main job is not to be a parent, but to be a person.’ The moment we understand this we realize that everything the Bible says about being a man or woman of God applies to being a parent.- Douglas Webster, SOULCRAFT

As I listened to the audiobook version of chapter 8 (thus allowing me to surf the web and check my twitter and facebook at the same time) I smiled at the irony of the title. “Show Her Who God Is”. As a seminary trained, serving in the church kind of guy, I thought, “Perfect. This should be easy. I know how to do that.” I have two girls, ages 5 and 6.83 years old. I recalled stunning theological discussions with my oldest when she was a 3 year old about “Where is God?” and “What happens when we die?” I thought about prayer time before bed, and making them go to Sunday school. I thought about all those little moments when I was able to squeeze in an object lesson about sharing, or about kindness. Mentally I gave myself an A+ for teaching my girls about God.

And then I heard the story of a daughter who was most deeply impacted by the memory of her father, sitting in his chair early in the morning, eyes closed in prayer, or reading his Bible. It was that image, she said, that led her to the faith that she now had as an adult. It was that image that changed her path. Just a simple, quiet act on her father’s part. No grand speeches or convincing arguments, just doing faith, sitting and praying and reading the Scripture. She watched him sit in his chair. He was real and so was his faith. That was all it took.

When I was 17 I was similarly impacted by a seemingly small action. I grew up attending church, but by that time I had given up on any kind of meaningful faith. I was adrift, having broken up a relationship with a girl, feeling completely empty and searching for something to fill the void. I happened to be having dinner with someone and as our food came, I picked up my fork and started to dig in. As I lifted the fork to my mouth I looked up and saw my friend* with her eyes closed, in prayer, giving thanks for her food. At that moment I was powerfully reminded of what I was looking for. That simple act of saying grace pushed me to seek out God again, and started my journey of faith that continues on now.

The title of this chapter is really shouldn’t be “Teach her about God” but “Show Her Who God Is”. I realized that showing is a lot different than teaching. Showing is different than talking, different than discussing or preaching, different than lecturing. Showing involves seeing something. Showing involves more than words. It involves being someone, doing something.

If we are to show our daughters who God is, then we need to be men of God. And don’t think that we have to have all the answers. A man of God is not someone who simply has answers, but is a person who earnestly seeks after God and desires to know Him. Meeker suggests that if you know nothing, but begin your faith journey at the same time as your daughter, she will be thrilled. And as you grow in your faith, she will grow in hers.

Meeker writes that as fathers we are often afraid to talk about spiritual matters. We don’t know what to say, and so we back out of saying anything at all. If you are in ministry, and a father, I feel the danger lies in thinking that we do have all the answers. Having all the right theology in the world doesn’t make up for what we fail to do, unfortunately. It doesn’t recover family time lost to committee meetings and message preparation. Work life balance is even more challenging as a minister, and we can easily send the message that our work is more important than our family. We can say that God is close and accessible, but if we are always busy and unapproachable, our daughters will wonder if God is like that too. If we are harsh or demanding with our daughters, or say things that are cruel or belittling, our daughters will wonder if God really is love. Our actions really do speak louder than words.

I have resolved never to preach at home. I will be and do, more than just talk. I will show my girls who God is, by the man I strive to be.

*Incidentally, this friend later became my girlfriend, and then she became my wife and the mother of our two girls. The moral of the story? Never be afraid to say grace, you never know where it might lead!

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Pragmatism and Grit

by Lon on November 27, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 6 – Pragmatism & Grit – is brought to you by Tim Heerebout. Although Tim is a recent connection, our friendship has marks of the divine all over it. I’m sure you’ll be hearing a lot more about him here as well.

Have you ever felt like the fates are conspiring just the right way to align the small coincidences of your life into a web of deeper meaning? Like the mystical forces of the universe are trying to, through seemingly unrelated circumstances, whisper a subtle yet profound message into your ear? Yeah me either. Well, except in this case. The fact that I’ve gotten the chapter on pragmatism at this point in my life seems to me to be just the right topic for me to read.

You see, in the near future my wife who is currently 19 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, 18 month old daughter, and myself will be moving into the heart of downtown Toronto. We’re really excited about that and yet, for anyone who knows me and my family, that description of who is moving to Toronto is incomplete. You see there is a very important, well loved, member of our family who we are not able to take with us and to be honest it’s ripping my heart out slowly every time I think about it.

Tele is our 6 year old purebred Siberian Husky and he is as much a part of our family as any of the rest of us. In almost every way he is the perfect dog. Melissa and I bought Tele the year after we got married to celebrate our first anniversary. We saw him in a pet store and he stole our heart – perhaps especially mine. Melissa worked as a flight attendant during the first 4 years of our marriage and so she was away a lot. Tele became my company when she saw gone. He slept at the foot of my bed at night and kept me company if I had a night alone at the house. He’s come on countless runs with me, lived in 3 different cities with us and is generally the best friend a boy…I mean man could ask for.

Despite all of my emotional attachment to Tele I know that bringing him into an urban environment and adding that as another chore for my wife to deal with is not a wise choice. My wife knows this – she knows that amongst the business of our schedules, a new baby who needs a lot of her time and a 2 year old that won’t understand why she’s not the only one who needs attention any more that trying to help walk and feed a dog will just be too much. Knowing is not enough some times though. I think one of the things we love about women is how deeply they feel. And yet, I think in the end her emotional ties to this much loved member of our family would probably lead to a less than optimal decision in this case. Women and men make such a perfect pairing for many reasons not the least of which is how they help us to feel more and how we sometimes balance a purely emotional response with our God given pragmatic minds and grit.

This situation with Tele is where the rubber has hit the road for our family when it comes to the need for a strong father to have pragmatism and grit. Tele is my boy. I love him to death – probably more than some people would think sane or healthy. But logically I just can’t see how he’ll fit into our new life in Toronto so it’s up to me, to use my pragmatic brain, and summon the internal grit to give him to another love home where we will miss him like crazy but ultimately where both he and us will be more happy for the long haul.

I can’t personally relate to the examples the author gives in this chapter – images of broken homes needing mending and such. I can however relate to her overall theme. One friend said to me regarding our choice to give Tele away “you’ve got much larger cojones than me to give up man’s best friend”. I don’t claim that to be actually true but men – your families, your daughters, need you to have the grit and pragmatism, the cojones if you will, to make tough decisions and ground them when necessary. I really appreciate the author for affirming this often demeaned part of a man’s role in his house. I am fully in support of equal rights and yet I also realize there are some roles best suited to one gender or the other. I think this is one area that MUST be stepped into by Fathers. I think if you take time to read the pages of this chapter you will feel encouraged and empowered to do so. I can’t think of a better end to 30 minutes worth of reading.

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Protect Her, Defend Her

by Lon on November 25, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 5 – Protect Her, Defend Her (and use a shotgun if necessary) – is brought to you by Tony Sheng. I’ve been tracking with Tony for years as he mobilizes the next generation in global missions. Tony is awesome.

“Why don’t we have a school dance in this middle school?”

“Because we did a few years ago and found 8th grade girls in the bathroom giving head to 8th grade boys.”

If you think this is vulgar, it’s okay to be offended and never read my blog again. On the other hand, if you think I made this up, I wish you were sadly mistaken. As part of a blog tour on the book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, I’m posting about Chapter 5 today. It’s probably the most sobering and the most frightening in the book because Dr. Meeker explains the very toxic culture that our daughters live in and then she outlines whose responsibility it is to protect them – you, their father. Here are some quotes that should awaken your masculine soul:

The most aggressive campaign against your daughter’s emotional and physical health is directed at her sexuality. She relies on your defense against that campaign.

10,000 kids a day get an STD.
Nearly one in four sexually active teens is living with an STD at this moment.
If present levels of sexual activity among kids continue, by the year 2025 (fewer than twenty years from now),39 percent of all men and 49 percent of all women will test positive for genital herpes.

Popular culture trains our daughters for a life of promiscuity.

Yikes. She goes on.

If you as a father saw what I see every week in my medical practice, you would know what to do. And you’d succeed.

And the best news is: you are far more effective protector of your daughter than any condom, any sex-ed teacher, any school nurse and any doctor. That’s what kids tell us every day. They want to hear from their parents. They want their parents to tell them what’s right, what’s wrong, and what they should do… You need to stay in the fight for her innocence and her mental and physical health. It’s a fight you can – and that you must – win.

I’m in this fight every day as the father of two girls 8 and 11. But it’s not a fight just about innocence – I believe that my kids can be islands of light in this toxic culture that so desperately works to undermine their purity. I believe that they can be relevant to the culture and, in fact, redeem parts of it so that others can see and ask about why they are different. Perhaps growing agents of redemption requires a fine balance between protecting them and unleashing them.

Here are a few things I’ve done. Granted, I don’t know if they are working.
:: I’ve said no to:
+ my wife and mother in law wanting to fly into Las Vegas for family vacation. [I'm still hearing about how ridiculous I am being - sorry, D.]
+ Em, 8, wanting to listen to Britney Spears latest song, “3,” since it’s a song they dance to in hip hop class. [And Britney, you have so much power and responsibility...]
+ Kt, 11, spending too much time with a friend who isn’t the best influence.
+ Movies – anything R. Although we’ve made some bad choices about PG-13 ones.
+ Music – and the challenge of helping them think through the words.

:: Trying to have normal conversations about middle school health class. “Have they talked about STDs? Condoms? Doing the deed?”

:: Trying to convey that we shouldn’t care that much about the approval of others.

:: Praying for, and with, my girls.

Here are Dr. Meeker’s suggestions too:
Teach self-respect early.
When she dates, sweep the garage – presence for when she comes home.
Plan with her – help her understand that sex is for later.
Say something – don’t be afraid to discuss sex with your daughters.

I’m convinced that the next generation of girls – aged 5-20 right now – are going to be the major players in the global world in the future – they are the ones that are going to solve the worlds greatest problems. But they will only do this if they are protected and unleashed. Fathers, stay in the fight. Humanity needs your daughters at their best.

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Teach her humility

by Lon on November 23, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.

Chapter 4 – Teach her humility – is brought to you by someone on the other side of the planet that I feel I have an awful lot in common with (including a twitter bio with plenty of bling) – Futurist, catalyst, change agent, writer, web designer, and human potential maven Sam Radford.

I was delighted when Lon gave me the chapter on humility to blog about as part of this Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters series. I thought to myself, he knows, he’s seen it, he’s noticed. I mean, who better than myself to talk about humility? And as for my daughter Eloise, she is so privileged to have such a master of humility teaching her as she grows up. This is something that just flows through my veins.

Or not.

Regardless, this IS a really important subject and whilst it isn’t probably what you’d expect to find in a book on raising daughters, I am convinced that in many ways this is one of – if not the – most important things we can try and encourage within our daughters.

The author, Meg Meeker, does a good job of quickly clarifying what humility is and isn’t, as so many of us don’t think of humility as a positive trait at all. I remember teaching on humility in South Africa with black teenagers only to discover at the end of the session that the only association they had with the word humility was humiliation. Knowing what true humility is actually all about is vital.

Here’s how Meeker defined it: “Humility means having a proper perspective on ourselves, of seeing ourselves as we really are. It also means knowing that every person has equal worth.”

Starting out with that explanation would have definitely saved me a wasted session out in South Africa.

The challenge as I see it when it comes to humility is in how we teach this to our daughters. Telling them what it is, what it means, and why it’s important isn’t going to cut it. How do we make sure that humility goes beyond being just a subject our daughters give mental assent to and becomes a truly embedded life value?

Meeker addresses this early on by simply stating that, “humility doesn’t make sense unless it is modelled”. So if we want our daughters to live with humility, with a proper perspective on themselves, we need to live a life of humility that neither over or understates who we are and that values every human being.

So, this isn’t a one off conversation with our daughters. This is about how we live as fathers every minute of every day. If we live self-centred and self-absorbed lives, then that’s what our daughters will soak up.

I loved the story Meeker told about a father taking his daughter away for a trip to serve in the Dominican Republic, not just because of the specific elements she described about their interactions on that trip, but because it raises the important subject of serving others. What better way to model a life that isn’t all about us than to practically serve others?

As a family we all went out to serve for three weeks in a township on the edge of Johannesburg this summer just gone. Pretty much everyone thought we were crazy to embark on a venture like that when our daughter, Eloise, was only 6 months old. But we want those kinds of adventures to be part of our family life.

Now, of course, I know Eloise won’t have any recollection of that trip, but it was important for us as parents to say right from the outset that we’re going to make our lives about more than just us as a family. We want our daughter to grow up being part of something bigger than just us. And that, I think, is a big part of having a healthy perspective on life.

Humility is so important to successfully engaging with life at all its different stages. And, in particular, it is vital to forging healthy relationships. “Your daughter was created to live in an intricate web of relationships. Humility keeps her inside that web. Self-centredness and pride pluck her out of it.”

It is our job as fathers to help prepare our daughters to be ready for and engage with every different stage of life. And relationships are at the heart of every one of these stages. If we can successfully model and embed a true sense of humility in our daughters we are actually preparing our daughters for success and happiness.

So, here’s to living a life of humility – and hoping and praying that our daughters ‘catch’ that way of life.

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You are her first love

by Lon on November 20, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues. Chapter 3 – You are her first love – is brought to you by author, designer, consultant, speaker, & adventurer (and everything else you ever wanted to be) Chris Marsden.

My girls are still young. The older two talk about boys occasionally, but more in the abstract “we’re supposed to like boys” kind of way. They obsess over the Jonas Brothers and we don’t even have cable, so they might have seen the show once or twice. I know that a time is coming, though, when talking about boys will shift to actually liking (and eventually loving) boys.

With that in mind, the introduction to this chapter was incredibly encouraging. I am their first love. No matter who else is in their life or how cute they are, I am still the one that they will compare them back to (hopefully not the cute part). Except that means that I am also the one who is setting the standard for how they give and receive love as well. And while that, too, adds a bit of boost to the ego, it is also a bit challenging and frightening.

Meeker talks about five things that dad’s need to do/focus on to help their daughter’s get a healthy dose of and view of love.

Words

Men and women are different. Women like to talk, most guys don’t. And it isn’t even really a like issue. Women need to talk. With our wives, it is easy for them to explain that to us and it is just as easy for us to explain to them, “not right now, I’ll talk to you in a little bit,” but it is harder for our daughters to understand. They don’t know they need to talk, they just do. And they don’t know they need to hear you talk to them and encourage them, they just do.

We need to tell our daughters that we love them. Regularly. Genuinely. We need to mean it and we need to be able to explain it, especially as they get older. They need to hear those words from us.

Fences

It is our job, as dads, to build a series of rules and boundaries around our children’s lives that guide them and protect them. These fences are not permanent installations, they shift and are torn down as our girls age and mature. They are about safety.

There is a part of me that struggles with this. Part of me loves the idea of building a wall of rules around my girls and keeping them safe from the world and part of me thinks that if I build this restrictive rule structure they will either rebel or become co-dependant homebodies. Meeker points out a couple things that I think help.

It is not about trust, it is about safety. The rules we create have to be about keeping them safe and moving them towards their future. It can’t be about control or our whims.

Girls who rebel don’t rebel because there are rules. They rebel against the rules because the rules aren’t balanced against anything else. Love has to be the center of the relationship and the rules have to be created and enforced with love in mind.

Silence

Silence goes along with words. Yes, I daughters need to hear us tell them they love them, but they also need us to be quiet and listen. The catch, that Meeker points out, is something I am definitely guilty of. We’re busy or we’ve had a long day and we “just want to unwind” and we tell our girls, “just a minute” or “not right now.” For me, this is going to be one of the biggest challenges. To listen to the random story that is completely non-sequitur, even when I am tired or distracted.

When my wife ignores me, even for a good reason, part of me feels dismissed and less loved than when she pays attention to me. Why would my daughters feel any different.

Time

This one felt like the most obvious on the list. We need to give our daughters time, right? Of course we do. We need to do it without resentment or begrudgingly? Again, yes. But the good news is this. That time you need to spend with your daughter isn’t as big of a deal as you might be thinking. It is about taking the time to consistently give her your attention, not about coming up with a huge event, just to spend some time together.

The question is, who is the focus on. Daddy/daughter dates are great, if you are showing her your love and attention just like on a date (I once witnessed a Dad out with his daughter where they both spent the meal playing on their phones). A grocery shopping trip with one of the girls might be necessary at times, but I can tell you from personal experience that inviting one of the girls along to help run Daddy errands to Best Buy or Lowes is huge. When they are “helping” me and I am focused on them, we both win.

Will

Love is hard. Sometimes it’s not, life is easy, kids are behaving and we’re living a Hallmark card kind of love without any work. But usually it’s hard. It is going to take hard work.

My daughters are 1, 5, and 7. Right now, we have our bad days, but loving my girls is still pretty easy. I’m hoping that reading this book and the hard work I’m investing now will make the teenage years all smooth sailing (is that even possible), but it takes me saying to myself and saying to my girls that no matter what, I will love you.

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She needs a hero

by Lon on November 18, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues. Chapter 2 – She needs a hero – is brought to you by fellow tyndale-seminary alumni, raising the village director, and good friend, Alan Liu.

I’ll admit my experience is limited – my daughter is barely three months old. But anyone with a blog has an opinion. And I know the co-ordinator here, I ain’t afraid to ask to be in on it. So here goes.

Chapter 2 establishes how to be a hero to our daughters. Show leadership and authority in protecting her. Persevering and staying on course when times, and wives, and daughters, are tough.

One of the key takeaways for me was when Meeker cautions, “remember that when she pushes hard against your rules, flailing, crying that you are mean or unfair, she is really asking you a question: Am I worth the fight, Dad?… Make sure she knows the answer is yes.” Am I worth the fight? It’s a question humanity asked Jesus and that cost him his life. It seems it’s a question that will be asked of us. And I so want to say yes, yes, yes.

But my daughter is just three months old. My marriage is just over two years. Sure, it’s been good, but not nearly long enough to be a model. We say to have faith, trust your instincts, but stats don’t lie. We are failing.

Meeker finishes the chapter with this bit about being a real man. Being a heroic father. Having courage, perseverance and integrity. And I agree!

But integrity is a double-edged sword, and for every rallying cry the standard of integrity causes, there is a cry of submission. Some of us will read this chapter and not be inspired. Some of us will read this chapter and feel this heavy rock fall squarely on our shoulders.

And that would be unfortunate, because I don’t think Meeker is trying to do that. On the whole, she is trying to help fathers and I think she would agree that it’s not just having the integrity to do the right thing. It is in fact the willingness to try. And to genuinely admit when you are wrong. And to try again. Perseverance is not a shotgun or a hammer where the more you bang, the better you get. It is a finely honed chisel that requires thought, reflection and an openness that lets our daughters see who we really are: Men of hope, and ultimately, children of Grace.

Let me be clear, integrity is a virtue. But it isn’t human to achieve it. We will make mistakes and when we do, integrity shatters. If we were to ask Meeker, I’m sure she would say a father being genuine is assumed. I am saying that it is not. We try too hard to do what’s right, and hide what’s wrong and my firm belief is that as sure as Jesus knows, so do our daughters.

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Pregnant again!

by Lon on November 17, 2009

Speaking of Strong Daughters, this is fresh from our ultrasound today.

And yes, she’s a girl! That or the boy has a really small wee wee… which just couldn’t possibly be.

That makes three girls in my life now. I’m officially surrounded, but not surrendering anytime soon.

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You are the most important man in her life

by Lon on November 16, 2009

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project begins today! The next three weeks an awesome group of guys will be chronicling their chapter-by-chapter reflections through the book. If you’re a dad at any stage – keep tracking with us here.

Chapter One – Today’s post is brought to you by Marty Schmidt – an awesome friend and church planter in Iowa.

I’m in awkward territory. I grew up as the middle child of three brothers. I have five nephews. My first born is a son. I have only known boys! Then on June 10 of 2007 this little lady shows up. Twenty one months later little lady number two shows up. I now find myself in this place of being a father to two daughters and I am having a blast!

In the introduction to Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters author Meeker makes the comment, “Dads, you are far more powerful than you think you are.” And we are. In fact chapter one words it this way “You Are the Most Important Man in Her Life” and because of that, “your daughter needs the best of who you are: your strength, your courage, your intelligence, and your fearlessness. She needs your empathy, assertiveness, and self-confidence. She needs you.”

After reading about some of the disturbing data as it relates to young girls and sexual activity one can become quite discouraged. If left on their own the likely-hood of a girl getting swept away into a bunch of misguided decisions that carry devastating consequences is very high. It angered me when I read the guidelines written in the manual of Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. The information presented is not only robbing our young ones of innocence but also misguiding them. Meeker says it well when in that, “they normalize the bizarre.”

This doesn’t have to be though. An involved loving Father can make all the difference. I know this to be true. It makes complete sense. The last section of chapter one even lists out the positive impact on younger and older girls who have a strong and/or close relationships with their father. We have the ability to be the influence that trumps any and all other authority.

My first take away is that an involved Father is a strong Father!

How about you? What was your takeaway from chapter one?
How do you see yourself as the most important man in her life?