It was a bit of a rocky finish on our Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project. But here are some closing thoughts of mine.
As a father of soon-to-be two daughters, this book scared the crap out of me.
The challenge ahead is huge, particularly because our instantaneous, over-sexualized, materialistic culture seems to wage war against their sense of wholeness at every turn.
I don’t think most dads grasp just how powerful of an influence they are in the lives of their daughters. You really are heroes. You can be the most socially-awkward, boring, and lame excuse for a human being out there, and you’d still be a hero in the eyes of your daughter. At least that’s the starting point for all of us.
And even when they discover you’re just another fallen broken creature, there’s still some small space in their heart that reserves hope for the incredible man you can be.
Although I always thought I’d be the ‘good-cop’, I’m not. The book helped affirm to me that my daughters need me to be their dad, more than their best friend. This desire of “Am I worth fighting for?“, something I see even in my own wife, is built into our daughters.
They need to see the strength of our convictions even if at times it involves disciplining them. One of my favorite quotes was “When your two-year old daughter has a temper tantrum, put her in time-out and ignore her until she calms down. When she’s sixteen, do exactly the same.” (I’m still convinced I’ll be considered ‘cool’ when they’re sixteen at the moment though).
Some of the stories in the book were completely heart wrenching. You can be the best dad on the planet, and things can still happen. Our girls can break us into a million pieces and we still need to keep taking the hits, perusing, and loving. God may be love, but the reality is we’re one of they’re best tangible expressions of what love is.
It’s nice to know that every man that enters the lives of our daughters will be compared against us. It challenges me to be an even better man, and part me takes a bit of joy in my little girls crushing guys hearts because they aren’t half the man their geriatric daddy is. (at least that’s what I’m hoping for, because these girls aren’t just going to be loved, but completely adored).
I know there’s a challenging road ahead – but I so feel so utterly blessed to be a father of two girls. A final quote from the book, “A man can banter with his friends and colleagues about whether God exists. But a father looks at his daughter and knows.”
* You can see chapter-by-chapter posts on the book from many other fathers in the previous 10 or so posts.
Our family just watched the documentary Flow. Wired magazine declared it ‘the scariest film at the sundance film festival). The growing water crisis has been on my mind for a number of years and it will be an issue that I plan on rallying more resources behind.
We dedicated all the proceeds of one of our solar crash events to living water international, and my faith community takes part in the advent conspiracy (channeling our christmas gift money towards providing clean water), but I still feel like there’s so much more we can do.
Are we too late? Can or will the church make a difference here?
Chapter 10 – Keep her connected – is brought to by Jason Tripp – friend, father, fellow tyndale seminary graduate, and lead pastor Valleyview community church
Recently I came across a jawdropping statistic. The average American father (and I’m sure the Canadian figure would be similar) spends less than 10 minutes a day with his daughter. Although I make it a healthy habit of spending far more than 10 minutes a day with my daughter, I certainly do not want to simply give myself a pat on the back and coast along. Remaining teachable in every sphere of life is critical and I’ll be the first to admit that there is much room for improvement in the area of fatherhood.
Meeker sums up the tenth and final chapter of her book when writing, “All your daughter needs is for you to spend time with you. Think of yourself as your daughter’s base camp. She needs a place to stop and settle, to reorient and remember who she is, where she started, and where she’s going. She needs a place to rest and get reenergized. You are that place.” – SFSD, p. 220
As I read and re-read this chapter and specifically this statement, I was challenged in a number of ways:
Time vs. Quality Time I’ve learned that in any relationship, not all time spent is quality time spent together. Sadly I must confess that there have been moments in my young daughter’s life (Michaela will be 2 on January 10th) where time spent with daddy has not been the best quality time. These are usually times where she’s competing with a sporting event on TV or battling for my attention with something I’m working at on my laptop. (for the record, the writing of this blog is not hindering quality family time as I can hear a snoring duet from my wife and daughter as I type this).
I’m learning that my daughter not only needs me to spend time with her, but she needs, and certainly is already capable at her young age, of distinguishing between simple time spent together, and quality time together where she becomes the sole focus of my attention and affection. There have been times where I’ve had half my attention on Michaela, well pounding away on my laptop keyboard or checking email. It wasn’t until one day when she walked over to the table and physically slammed the laptop shut that it hit home; my daughter needs my undivided attention when I come home from work.
Quality Work, Play and Planning Together Lately, I’ve made a more concerted and consistent effort to spend more quality time together in a variety of creative ways. Whether it’s taking her to watch a basketball game at the high school my wife teaches at (she was the center of attention busting a move during the pregame warmups but by halftime she informed me that the referees and their whistles were “a little bit scary”). Just a couple weeks ago we had a blast putting together a large armoir to help house daddy’s ever-growing wardrobe (I’m enjoying the fact that at the age of 1 she believes daddy has the equivalent building/carpentry knowledge of ‘Bob the Builder’ when in fact I’m more of a worthy candidate for Canada’s Worst Handyman). This event turned out to be a nice application to Meeker’s suggestion that even stressful, problem solving activities should be shared together by fathers and daughters.
As Meeker rightly points out, allowing our daughters to share in what we enjoy doing, specifically outdoor activities, allows for daughters to learn about their father’s interests and passions, while providing a context for quality time shared without some of the aforementioned technological distractions.
I couldn’t help but chuckle when reading about the importance of non-verbal communication. Michaela and I have already developed a non-verbal language complete with signs, gestures, facial expressions and even a series of secret handshakes, which allow us to express our feelings to each other before our mouths are even opened. It certainly is true that females are more sensitive to body language than us naive males are. There is so much expressed in a smile, a hug or a high five.
The Lonely Teen To be brutally honest, some days I wish my daughter would remain the age she is now. I see the incredible temptations and worldly distortions of Truth out there and sometimes I cringe, knowing that this is the world my wife and I are raising our daughter in. In pastoral ministry, I see firsthand the grief that backslidden teenagers can cause parents. I am grateful that I am able to work through this book with other men of faith and thankful that I’m learning these principles while my daughter is still 11+ years away from teenagehood.
The most important thing I have been reminded of through this book study as well as my first few months in pastoral leadership, is the importance of self care and personal holiness. The degree to which I submit my life to the purposes of God, will be the degree to which I become a stronger husband, father, pastor and whatever other title contributes to the person I am. The degree to which I am able to keep my daughter connected is the degree to which I stay connected to the Holy Spirit, the ultimate source of strength.
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. – 1 Chronicles 16:11 / Psalm 105:4
Chapter 7 – Be the man you want her to marry – is brought to by Alfred Lam – a friend and brother that I’m indebted to in more ways than I can express.
I recently joint a group of fathers with daughters to read a book and blog about our thoughts. The book is “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Meg Meeker. To be honest, I have never been a big fan of “parenting philosophy books” for the same reasons that I don’t put a lot of stock in “marriage enrichment workshops”: I find the content often alternate between “heard that before” or “easier said than done”. But more importantly I believe that in parenting every situation is as unique as the individuals that are involved. Certainly there are general truths that apply across the board (”you should spend time with your children…”), but where and how those universal truths “hit the road” within actual parent/child relationship is anything but “universal”.
Nevertheless, I find that reading this book generated a lot of reflection for me. I came acr0ss the chapter entitled “Be the man you want her to marry” yesterday. Basically the chapter says whether we like it or not, as fathers we become models of manhood for our daughters, and when it comes time for them to look for their mate, they instinctively look for a man that is just like their Dads. In the middle of the chapter, I found myself putting down the book and asking myself, “Will I want Taylor to marry someone like me?”
I am a deeply flawed individual. I have had more than my share of failures in life. I have plenty of “skeletons” in my closet. As I thought about that question, more and more I am not sure if I can say “yes”. In fact, I am amazed daily that Anna would stay married for close to 20 years to someone like me. For me, our marriage is a daily demonstration and experience of grace.
Then it hit me. I can’t really control what kind of man my daughter will eventually marry. I don’t know if she will end up marrying someone like me. I am not sure if I want her to end up marrying someone like me. But one thing I wish for her, and this I hope I can have some influence over: I hope she will turn out to be like the woman I married.
Chapter 8 – Teach her who God is – is brought to you by Juno Award winning recording engineer, photographer, and father of two girls Eugene Huo.
‘A parent’s main job is not to be a parent, but to be a person.’ The moment we understand this we realize that everything the Bible says about being a man or woman of God applies to being a parent.- Douglas Webster, SOULCRAFT
As I listened to the audiobook version of chapter 8 (thus allowing me to surf the web and check my twitter and facebook at the same time) I smiled at the irony of the title. “Show Her Who God Is”. As a seminary trained, serving in the church kind of guy, I thought, “Perfect. This should be easy. I know how to do that.” I have two girls, ages 5 and 6.83 years old. I recalled stunning theological discussions with my oldest when she was a 3 year old about “Where is God?” and “What happens when we die?” I thought about prayer time before bed, and making them go to Sunday school. I thought about all those little moments when I was able to squeeze in an object lesson about sharing, or about kindness. Mentally I gave myself an A+ for teaching my girls about God.
And then I heard the story of a daughter who was most deeply impacted by the memory of her father, sitting in his chair early in the morning, eyes closed in prayer, or reading his Bible. It was that image, she said, that led her to the faith that she now had as an adult. It was that image that changed her path. Just a simple, quiet act on her father’s part. No grand speeches or convincing arguments, just doing faith, sitting and praying and reading the Scripture. She watched him sit in his chair. He was real and so was his faith. That was all it took.
When I was 17 I was similarly impacted by a seemingly small action. I grew up attending church, but by that time I had given up on any kind of meaningful faith. I was adrift, having broken up a relationship with a girl, feeling completely empty and searching for something to fill the void. I happened to be having dinner with someone and as our food came, I picked up my fork and started to dig in. As I lifted the fork to my mouth I looked up and saw my friend* with her eyes closed, in prayer, giving thanks for her food. At that moment I was powerfully reminded of what I was looking for. That simple act of saying grace pushed me to seek out God again, and started my journey of faith that continues on now.
The title of this chapter is really shouldn’t be “Teach her about God” but “Show Her Who God Is”. I realized that showing is a lot different than teaching. Showing is different than talking, different than discussing or preaching, different than lecturing. Showing involves seeing something. Showing involves more than words. It involves being someone, doing something.
If we are to show our daughters who God is, then we need to be men of God. And don’t think that we have to have all the answers. A man of God is not someone who simply has answers, but is a person who earnestly seeks after God and desires to know Him. Meeker suggests that if you know nothing, but begin your faith journey at the same time as your daughter, she will be thrilled. And as you grow in your faith, she will grow in hers.
Meeker writes that as fathers we are often afraid to talk about spiritual matters. We don’t know what to say, and so we back out of saying anything at all. If you are in ministry, and a father, I feel the danger lies in thinking that we do have all the answers. Having all the right theology in the world doesn’t make up for what we fail to do, unfortunately. It doesn’t recover family time lost to committee meetings and message preparation. Work life balance is even more challenging as a minister, and we can easily send the message that our work is more important than our family. We can say that God is close and accessible, but if we are always busy and unapproachable, our daughters will wonder if God is like that too. If we are harsh or demanding with our daughters, or say things that are cruel or belittling, our daughters will wonder if God really is love. Our actions really do speak louder than words.
I have resolved never to preach at home. I will be and do, more than just talk. I will show my girls who God is, by the man I strive to be.
*Incidentally, this friend later became my girlfriend, and then she became my wife and the mother of our two girls. The moral of the story? Never be afraid to say grace, you never know where it might lead!
Chapter 6 – Pragmatism & Grit – is brought to you by Tim Heerebout. Although Tim is a recent connection, our friendship has marks of the divine all over it. I’m sure you’ll be hearing a lot more about him here as well.
Have you ever felt like the fates are conspiring just the right way to align the small coincidences of your life into a web of deeper meaning? Like the mystical forces of the universe are trying to, through seemingly unrelated circumstances, whisper a subtle yet profound message into your ear? Yeah me either. Well, except in this case. The fact that I’ve gotten the chapter on pragmatism at this point in my life seems to me to be just the right topic for me to read.
You see, in the near future my wife who is currently 19 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, 18 month old daughter, and myself will be moving into the heart of downtown Toronto. We’re really excited about that and yet, for anyone who knows me and my family, that description of who is moving to Toronto is incomplete. You see there is a very important, well loved, member of our family who we are not able to take with us and to be honest it’s ripping my heart out slowly every time I think about it.
Tele is our 6 year old purebred Siberian Husky and he is as much a part of our family as any of the rest of us. In almost every way he is the perfect dog. Melissa and I bought Tele the year after we got married to celebrate our first anniversary. We saw him in a pet store and he stole our heart – perhaps especially mine. Melissa worked as a flight attendant during the first 4 years of our marriage and so she was away a lot. Tele became my company when she saw gone. He slept at the foot of my bed at night and kept me company if I had a night alone at the house. He’s come on countless runs with me, lived in 3 different cities with us and is generally the best friend a boy…I mean man could ask for.
Despite all of my emotional attachment to Tele I know that bringing him into an urban environment and adding that as another chore for my wife to deal with is not a wise choice. My wife knows this – she knows that amongst the business of our schedules, a new baby who needs a lot of her time and a 2 year old that won’t understand why she’s not the only one who needs attention any more that trying to help walk and feed a dog will just be too much. Knowing is not enough some times though. I think one of the things we love about women is how deeply they feel. And yet, I think in the end her emotional ties to this much loved member of our family would probably lead to a less than optimal decision in this case. Women and men make such a perfect pairing for many reasons not the least of which is how they help us to feel more and how we sometimes balance a purely emotional response with our God given pragmatic minds and grit.
This situation with Tele is where the rubber has hit the road for our family when it comes to the need for a strong father to have pragmatism and grit. Tele is my boy. I love him to death – probably more than some people would think sane or healthy. But logically I just can’t see how he’ll fit into our new life in Toronto so it’s up to me, to use my pragmatic brain, and summon the internal grit to give him to another love home where we will miss him like crazy but ultimately where both he and us will be more happy for the long haul.
I can’t personally relate to the examples the author gives in this chapter – images of broken homes needing mending and such. I can however relate to her overall theme. One friend said to me regarding our choice to give Tele away “you’ve got much larger cojones than me to give up man’s best friend”. I don’t claim that to be actually true but men – your families, your daughters, need you to have the grit and pragmatism, the cojones if you will, to make tough decisions and ground them when necessary. I really appreciate the author for affirming this often demeaned part of a man’s role in his house. I am fully in support of equal rights and yet I also realize there are some roles best suited to one gender or the other. I think this is one area that MUST be stepped into by Fathers. I think if you take time to read the pages of this chapter you will feel encouraged and empowered to do so. I can’t think of a better end to 30 minutes worth of reading.
