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Doing better…

stellar with cracker

Stellar’s doing better, thanks so much for all the prayers.

A few reflections on the whole experience

There were periods Stellar would be breathing so rapidly I wondered how her little heart could keep up, and other times when her breath was so shallow we weren’t sure if she was breathing at all. Nothing much else matters in these moments.

In these moments you start thinking crazy crazy thoughts in silence. Who passed this on to her? Was it me? Is this the resulting consequence of some past sin? Might these be my last moments…?

In my struggles to live a disciplined life of prayer, I found no need to have to pray, it was simply the cry of my heart every moment.

I tell new parents how resilient kids are all the time, I guess it really is different when it’s your own.

Life sometimes offers us forever-defining choices with very little clarity. Should I rush to the emergency, or am I over-reacting and what’s best is to let this will pass? Sometimes you just need to believe that inkling of a voice within your heart, and act.

Stellar has always kept us busy with her high-fives and attraction to dirt, garbage, and just about all things dangerous. During her sickest moments she became almost void of her personality. We ached for all her special traits to re-emerge again. We realized that these sometimes tiring characteristics were signs of life, and what made her, her.

The internet is loaded with horrifically sad stories on just about every illness and disease. Sometimes knowing more information that you can’t action on, really doesn’t help.

Hospitals are rarely happy places. I have many friends in the medical profession I greatly admire, but there’s something about the ‘system’ I think that often bothers me. Sometimes it seems to enforce helplessness as you’re often not told what exactly is going on, your life is at the mercy of strangers, and I often feel like conclusions are often drawn before proper assessments have been made.

This has only deepened my admiration for just about any parent who loves and raises a child, regardless of how their children turn out emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. You are to be honored.

{ 1 comment… add one }

  • Deana January 21, 2008, 12:51 pm

    “In my struggles to live a disciplined life of prayer, I found no need to have to pray, it was simply the cry of my heart every moment.”

    I hear you loud and clear on this one! I’m so glad she is feeling better!

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